Revolution in the air

Minutes of the 49th AGM of the Cambridgeshire Liberation Front, held in the Queen Elizabeth Hall, Godmanchester, on Friday 29th September, in solidarity with the Labour Party Conference

1.   Members present: Mrs Daphne Guevara (Chair), Mr Hans Cohn-Bendit (Paving Stone), Ms Lorraine Chi-Min (Bamboo Splint), Mr Godfrey Gadaffi (Thermo-Nuclear Device), Ms Rosie Luxemburg (Pen), Monty X, Wayne Y, Tracey Z and 57 other members who asked for their anonymity to be protected.  

Mrs Guevera said she had received 27 anonymous letters objecting to the presence of Ms Luxemburg on the grounds of potential neo-Zionism. On a show of Hans, it was agreed that Ms Luxemburg should be excluded.

It was further resolved that the reporter from the Huntingdonshire Post should be taken outside and shot.

2.   Apologies were received from Hon. Lavinia Trotsky, Mrs Deirdre Meinhof and Roger the Jackal.

3.   The minutes of the last AGM were read. Mr Gadaffi queried the list of members present. He agreed that 69 members had attended the start of the meeting, but pointed out that, owing to fraternal discussions, only 62 were technically alive at the end.

Ms Chi-Min argued that nowhere in the rule book did it state that death was a barrier to membership and that the seven members were therefore still present at the end of the meeting, albeit in a state of altered consciousness.

Mr Cohn-Bendit said he was shocked to hear Ms Chi-Min admit to the possibility of consciousness after death and proposed that she be executed for reactionary proto-theistic views. He added that references to the rule book were ideologically unsound as there was no rule book.

After seven further hours of informed debate, it was resolved to delegate the matter to the Dialectic Sub-Committee.

4.   Mrs Guevara presented her report for the year just ended. There were plenty of grounds for optimism, she said, as well as plenty of grounds for pessimism. Despite the ever-present threat of peace processes, thousands of people throughout the county were demonstrating by their passivity that they preferred to live a life of perpetual revolution and were demanding a more dangerous world in which their children could grow up. Recent events on the west bank of the Great Ouse were especially encouraging.

Mrs Guevara derided the ‘moaning Minnies and dismal Jimmies’ who could foresee a future only of peace and prosperity. ‘Where would we be if we had listened to these Jeremiahs in the past?’ she demanded. ‘Let us never forget that, despite the nay-sayers, we are now celebrating the end of more than a century of unprecedented violence and destruction. Who could have guessed in 1900 that, in the century that lay ahead, we would slaughter over a hundred million of our fellow human beings?’

Mrs Guevara went on to thank the rest of the Committee for their unfailing support and had a special word for young Kylie Lenin for designing the Front’s new website.

The report was adopted nem con after a 10-hour standing ovation.

5.   The Treasurer presented the profit and loss account for the year, which showed the Front’s finances to be in a healthy state. He singled out the Wicken branch for their highly successful Whoonga and Nail-bomb party, which had raised £89 million. He regretted the loss of life at the car boot sale, which he said was due to a misunderstanding as to the nature of the function.

6.   Election of Officers. Mrs Daphne Guevara vacated the chair for this item of business and was replaced by Mr Ralph Guevara, who said he had received valid nominations from all the existing officers. Before asking if there were any other nominations, Mr Guevara suggested that, in view of the inclement weather, the armed comrades who were guarding the hall should be invited inside. There being no other nominations, the officers and committee were re-elected en bloc.

7.   Any other business. Lolita Mao said that she was worried by reports in the Huntingdonshire Post that the Front had agreed to hand over all its weapons to the County Council and asked the committee to tell members what was going on.

Mrs Guevara admitted that two pea-shooters, a water-gun and a rusty penknife had been shown to Council officials. However, she assured the meeting that the Front retained enough weapons to kill everyone in the county several times over. The peace process, she added, was a two-edged sword.

8.   There being no other business, the meeting closed at 5.17 am.