Dear fellow Englishmen …
… and women, although really you should be in the kitchen now, starting to prepare the Christmas meal for your menfolk and adorable little white children, and leaving it to your husbands to reflect on the great issues of the day and come to sensible decisions, as they always have in the past.
Here at the ERG, we attach great importance to the traditional English Christmas, and even more to the traditional Northern Irish Christmas, with Catholics roasting on an open fire. (Except for our Mr Rees-Mogg and Mr Duncan Smith: they don’t appreciate that bit, but we’re broad-minded enough to tolerate their Papist heresies.) We don’t attach much importance to the traditional Scottish and Welsh Christmases, but then who does?
The dismal Jimmies and moaning Minnies suggest that this may be the last traditional English Christmas the country is able to enjoy. That, alas, is typical of the pusillanimity of a political Establishment that is entirely unrepresentative of the people who elected it, and of a Prime Minister whose pathetic determination to compromise is a betrayal of our proud history of avoiding reality wheresoever we encounter it.
The truth could not be more different. From now on, Christmas will get better for everyone. Next year, jolly peasants will be dancing round their hovels, and there will be billions more to spend on decorations with all the money we save once we have taken back control.
Fox News says that there are now more than 10,000 countries in the world. Our Mr Johnson thinks he visited all of them when he was Foreign Secretary, although he isn’t quite sure about that since diplomatic protocol, of which he is a strict observer, obliged him to sample the beverages wherever he went. Anyway, 10,000 countries! And we are currently selling to only 27 of them! Think of all the opportunities that lie ahead!
There is more Fox news too. Our own Dr Fox has been scouring the earth for new trading partners and says he is close to securing a most advantageous deal with the Chinese. They will continue to sell us Christmas crackers (although, rest assured, we will still supply the jokes), as well as flammable Santa Claus outfits and inflatable reindeer. In return, we will allow them to run our nuclear power stations and buy up central London. He is also in negotiations with the CRAP group of countries (Chad, Rwanda, Andorra and Panama) – a dynamic new force in the world economy, and one that can easily replace our present supply of Christmas puddings from EU countries. And next year, they will have sixpences in them, not Euros! And be served with mead butter!
Our Christmas trees have always come from Norway. In future, and in line with our policy of having nothing to do with Norway, we propose to source them from Canada. The Christmas turkey, as you may know, has nothing to do with Turkey – a country that will in any case shortly be joining the EU. It originates from the British colonies of North America, with whose current Governor-General we have the most cordial relationship. If that still feels a little too foreign, there is always the traditional British goose – delicious as long as it is well and truly cooked.
But you can forget the Brussels. And the Swedes, for that matter. And we’re not too keen on Greens. And there’s been far too much trimming already.
Concerns have been expressed that Santa Claus may not be able to come safely down the chimney at Christmas 2019, since all the Bulgarian chimney-sweeps will have gone home. This is sheer alarmism. There is no shortage of 8-year-old boys in this country, who performed the work satisfactorily for many years until a foreign health and safety directive forced them out of business.
Pessimists point out that it will no longer be possible to take the aeroplane to European countries. But those who wish to spend Christmas with friends and family there (although what proper Englishman would want to spend time with anyone in Europe?) will still be able to travel by sedan chair, thus creating millions of jobs for British people.
Besides which, British Airways will now be able to use its spare capacity to open up new routes. We should easily be able to secure landing rights at the airports currently under construction in El Dorado, La-La Land, Utopia, Never-Never Land, Shangri-La and Cloud-Cuckoo Land – all exciting destinations in countries where many of us have close relatives. Our Mr Grayling is working out the timetables right now.
So, fear not, good people. We wish a very happy Christmas to each and every one of you (apart from immigrants, obviously), and the most prosperous of years to come. And now, if you will excuse us, we need to get on with stuffing you.